The Tassel
Spent. Like an old ragged dish cloth bleached and dried until the edges are worn and thready. No hint of color left, but serviceable.
My faith. Spent. No reserves, the colors faded. Ragged and thready. Threads hanging like tassels.
Bone tired. Awake through the night. Restless. Is this why we die, we grow so much on the inside our body cannot contain our desire for freedom?
Keeping the faith. I did at one time. Did I lose my faith, or did I recognize its need for growth and freedom? I opened my death grip on it and let it fly. It flew away and has not returned with an olive branch to announce its claim to a fair land.
A tassel. If I can but touch the edge of his tassel, it will be enough. That is my faith. Face down breathing dust, fingertips stretched, and I feel the graze of his garment. Never to hold or grasp. Never to understand. A moth wing’s touch and then gone.
Back against the wall, no presence, no hope. It could be over so quick, if I can just take the first step. Do it quickly. Don’t reflect. This waiting can all be over in minutes.
The graze of a tassel there on the cold floor. I did not seek it, a moth wing’s touch on fingers so tired of life. Stay for another hour. Don’t think of enduring a lifetime. Stay a minute. Touch the tassel of his garment.
Faith. I don’t feel it. I don’t possess it. I don’t keep it.
Face down, breathing dust, fingertips stretched, waiting.
Stripped, raw, honest. I am always, always moved by your writings from the heart and soul of your lived grief. Thank you.
Dear Melinda, thank you for the gift of your time to read and for your kind words. Your encouragement means so much to me and helps me to keep it raw and honest.
Faith is so layered. Conscious breathing, nature hikes and rides, painting, those I love. That’s what it is to me, in all its complexity and simplicity. I need to remind myself constantly, but if I can focus on these I can ride the next dip on the roller coaster. Thinking of you.
Thank you Andrea. I can’t wait until we can spend more time outdoors. We are having an extended winter, and we do get out even in the snow and cold – but oh to feel spring again.