December Coffee

I sit tapping keys, a torrent of words try to get through the tight wall I have built since June of this year. I weigh and measure each word, each thought – then throw them in the discard pile that swamps my desk and writing area. Invisible bricks that keep the world out and words in, isolation. My body aches from carrying too many words, they need to be lifted off and spilled out, sorted and spoken.

Until that happens, I cling to this discipline of sharing a cup of coffee and wandering through December with you.

Here is what I have been:

Baking: Chocolate Crinkles. Dangerous cookies, like little brownies rolled in powdered sugar. They are especially good still warm with a fresh cup of coffee.

Reading: “Rare Bird,” a memoir of loss and love by Anna Whiston-Donaldson. I was only going to sit for a few moments one evening to read, I could not put Anna’s book down.  As the the cover states, it is “unforgettable.”

Nurturing: Me actually. I took a challenging writing class this fall and wrote a personal essay that I didn’t know was inside of me. I was encouraged to submit it for publishing. I gave myself the gift of the superb services of Susan Maccarelli of Beyond Your Blog for coaching and submission recommendations. Working with Susan was the highlight of my year, I highly recommend Susan and her podcasts!

Submitting: I submitted the essay mentioned above to a writing contest. Long shot? Absolutely. I won’t know for quite some time, like months, and that’s okay. There is wisdom in having something to wait for further down the road.

Learning: Signed up for another writing class. I stalk through the house muttering that I don’t know why I take the classes, the learning curve is so steep – and the minute the class is over I miss the discipline and challenge of not knowing what I am doing.

Fighting: Darkness. December, there is no where to hide from the barrage of holiday reminders. I found myself caught in mud that seemed to breathe and suck you in deeper, the more you struggle the colder and deeper the mud encases your body and brain.  My arms and elbows ache from digging them into firm ground and not sinking any deeper. Grief, a sinkhole filled with dark mud.  A grief spiral can have a gift though, the gift of having cast one more perception or expectation of child loss off in the mud and emerging resolute and emboldened by self-knowledge.

Realizing: That Advent is a created thing of humans, a useful way of measuring time before Christmas, but mostly ineffective in a spiritual journey. Christmas does not arrive after four weeks of preparation. Advent, filled with dark and longing can last a lifetime. Christmas cannot be turned on with the flip of switch or a calendar date, and it is never under a tree.  If you are living an extended Advent, you have not done anything wrong, you are not a Christmas failure. I think it means you are listening to your heart.

Dreaming: A good snowstorm, just one. There is something magical about those first flakes that float down lazily from the sky. Snowflakes give me hope. The first ones never get to see the beauty they create, they may melt as soon as they land. But each one is unique and beautiful, content to be a tiny part of a much larger picture.

I wish you a very safe and happy New Year, may 2016 bring a glorious spring filled with signs of new life to you and your house. Thank you for walking with me on this journey, I felt and appreciated the gift of your time and presence.

Love, Terri

 

 

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Terri Written by:

I am a wife and mother of two sons. Our eldest, Justin, was killed in a car accident September 27, 2010, he was 25 years old.

18 Comments

  1. December 31, 2015

    I can’t imagine your process to live through this. In some measure, I know your words and writing will help you. Good thoughts from me.

    • December 31, 2015

      Dear Susan, thank you for your good thoughts! And thank you for the gift of your time to visit and comment. Wishing you a very happy and peace filled New Year!

    • December 31, 2015

      Dear Paula,
      A very happy New Year to you also! Thank you for taking the time to visit and share coffee.

  2. December 31, 2015

    Happy New Year, my Friend! I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your work this year and look forward to more to come. God’s blessings on your journey!

    • December 31, 2015

      Dear Deirdre,
      Thank you for the gift of your faithful friendship this year! I treasure it so. May 2016 bring you a year of grace and blessing also!

  3. December 31, 2015

    Dear Terri, thank you for sharing your December Coffee. Rare Bird was one of the few books I was able to get through with my new shattered mind after Amy’s sudden passing. December is similar to August for me as I have no idea how to navigate through or around this month. Returning your wishes for 2016.

    XO
    Dee

    • December 31, 2015

      Dearest Dee,
      Thank you for visiting and sharing coffee with me. I always breathe a sigh of relief when the calendar flips to January. Although, here we go, another year without our children – it is a double-edged sword. May 2016 be the year we meet for lunch. I have Amy’s picture on my desk and I would love to hear her stories. Much love to you my friend, Terri

  4. Elizabeth
    December 31, 2015

    Love this- “Christmas does not arrive after four weeks of preparation. Advent, filled with dark and longing can last a lifetime. Christmas cannot be turned on with the flip of switch or a calendar date, and it is never under a tree.” This is how we should live if we are truly anticipating His new arrival. I’ll be practicing this.- Liz

    • December 31, 2015

      Dear Liz,
      I am so glad we are journeying through this life together! Thank you for your faithful friendship. Looking forward to getting together soon! Love you!

  5. December 31, 2015

    Staying on top of the mud is my first goal of each and every day. The new normal. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
    Best of luck with that submission and some advice-submit more while you are waiting.
    Have you thought of writing a devotional that includes recipes?
    Best wishes for a brightly blessed New Year!

    • December 31, 2015

      Dear Doreen,
      Meeting you has been a gift of 2015! Thank you for the advice of keep on submitting. I have to be honest, I was going to stay in my safe warm nest and not venture forth – but I honor and value your wisdom and experience. I do have some ideas for other submissions – thank you!

      I had not thought of combining a devotional with recipes. That is brilliant. I love to cook and bake, it puts me in a calm zone. And I struggle so with my walk with God, but maybe so do a lot of other folks. I am convinced that healing and community is built around the table – just simple table time with good food and wine. Real dialogue takes place around a table.

      Doreen, thank you for the gift of your time and wisdom today. You have given me much to think about and I feel very encouraged. May 2016 be a year of both of us staying on top of the mud in our new normal. Thank you for your prayers.

  6. December 31, 2015

    Terri, it was an absolute pleasure to travel through December with you, even in the hard moments, or maybe especially those. I love your honesty about the struggle to write and to live, and I get it. The opening lines about being filled up with words is beautiful and so true! They do build up and bottle up – the only way to release is to write. I also love Susan from Beyond Your Blog and think she does amazing and important work. Great to know she coaches! Makes total sense. I love taking writing courses too, and will most likely take a HerStories class one of these days. I’d love a class on personal essays to polish up and refine what I only intuit.

    Very glad to know you and your words. Your story about your family and dear Justin touches my heart, and so many others’ I’m sure.

    • January 1, 2016

      Dear Dana,

      And now you have made my day. Thank you for your gracious words and the gift of your time in visiting and walking through December with me. I have such admiration and respect for your writing and have learned much from reading your series on writing. Your words and stories have encouraged me to be honest even when it is painful.

      May 2016 be a year filled with goodness for you and your house!

  7. Laura Buchheit
    January 2, 2016

    Dearest Terri,
    As I look back and reflect on 2015 – you, my dear friend, are in so many thoughts as I re-read and re-ponder and re-appreciate (is that a word?) you and your friendship and your gift of sharing from your soul.
    {{Hugs}} to you, my friend. May 2016 be a year filled with joy and peace.
    Love,
    Laura

    • January 4, 2016

      Thank you Laura for the gift of your friendship! May 2016 be a year of peace and delightful surprises for you!

  8. Angie
    January 3, 2016

    Terri,
    I never read one of your posts without coming away with something to chew on. I’ll be meditating on living an extended Advent for a while – you put into words exactly what I was feeling.

    I wish you joy and success with your writing adventures. You certainly have a gift for expressing yourself and I look forward to reading more of your thought-provoking posts in the new year. May the coming year bring you joy and peace.
    Love, Angie

    • January 4, 2016

      Thank you Angie for the gift of your time and kind words of encouragement! I find the world far less lonely when someone says “me too.” Thank you for sharing that you have been feeling that extended Advent.

      Wishing you and your house a very peace filled and healthy New Year!

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