Where to start? I shall jump right in. Seven weeks from today I will be in surgery. A longish surgery. A complicated surgery. Tomorrow is the birthday of the child whose birth was mismanaged by the doctor and left me with trauma that would color the rest of my life.
The child is dead. This is our eighth birthday without him. Justin would be turning 34.
The first physical therapist reassured me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, she could feel the birthing scars. The midwife I had for my second child’s birth was horrified by what my body spoke to her of the damage done by the first birth.
The second physical therapist marveled at my body strength, I have done a good job of maintaining my physical fitness. But even with all that effort, my organs won’t stay put. They physically can’t.
The removal of the uterus is the easier part of the surgery, there is a long list of what my surgeon will accomplish in the four to five hours.
I am conflicted. My womb wept with me the night Justin died. She knew him first. She did her job well and never gave me a moment of distress, until she fell out. That was stressful. We have just a few weeks left of each other’s company.
I remain conflicted. Was it all worth it? I have no child to show for the experience. I have memories, but they are muted and lack color. I have clusters of Justin’s cells in my body, but I don’t have him.
I have exhausted every avenue to avoid surgery. I have second and third opinions. More people have been up in my space than I care to count. This is my chance to reclaim my life.
I find pelvic organ prolapse not unlike child death. Its personal, very few people care to talk about it. No one can see the scars of child death and I shall surely not be advertising my scars from the reconstruction surgery.
I look perfectly fine from the outside. But prolapse and child death wreak their havoc shielded by cloaks of humiliation and embarrassment. On the inside, I mourn him. On the outside, I smile. On the outside, I walk and stay fit, on the inside, I fight the weight of bulging organs and ligament pain.
I fight anxiety for both Justin’s birthday tomorrow, and for the upcoming surgery. I hate to be poked and prodded. I am not too excited about the twelve week recovery time either. I hate waking up on Justin’s birthday and realizing he is still dead. Its an awkward day.
My surgeon asked me to list the top three things of what I hope to gain from the surgery. The first, I don’t want to do this again, so lets risk using mesh and haul it all back up. Second, I want to carry my camera bag and wander and get lost with my camera without my insides falling out. And third, I want to vacuum. I vacuum now, but I pay the price. I love to vacuum.
Childbirth is natural, but it is still dangerous. Natural does not make it safe.
Death is of nature also, but it does not lessen the pain of loss.
I am out of words. I am very quiet these days. Words are hard. I would be happy to answer any questions anyone might have about pelvic organ prolapse and share resources. And I am always here to share stories of your child gone too soon.
Love, Terri
Oh Terri. I had no idea about this element of your story. My god. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure such physical agony in addition to the emotional. I just want to say how much I admire your thoughtfulness about everything, how no stone is left unturned, you are such a deeply feeling person. I hope with all my heart this surgery is a success. Sending so much love.
Dear Dana,
Thank you so much for your note. Thank you for your supportive words, you always know just what to say and how to encourage my heart. I waited six months for an appointment for this particular surgeon, and she is brilliant. I am grateful to be walking the earth the same time as she. It has been an educational journey into women’s health care and the lack of post-partum care for women in much of the world. France seems to be the only country that screens for prolapse and post-partum physical therapy and education is a natural occurrence there for women. I had knowledge of my anatomy, good insurance, and the ability to read volumes of papers, but so many women suffer in silence because of insufficient health care and education about their body parts. Its why I decided to write about it, maybe sharing my story will help one woman seek a diagnosis and get her life back. Thank you for listening to me babble on, this has become a topic close to my heart. Much love to you and your house too! Looking forward to updates on your book!
Thank you for sharing so eloquently about the physical and symbolic aspects of your experiences. Holding you in light and healing.
Thank you so much Peg. And thank you for taking the time to write. I am looking forward to being on the other side of the surgery date and investing time into healing and recovery. Wishing you a very beautiful spring! The winter seemed a bit longish, April and May will be welcome friends.
Wishing you thoughts and prayers for a successful surgery and easy recovery. I pray this will ease some of your scarring but your heart will never fully heal. Love to you.
Thank you so much Kelly for the gift of your time to read and write a note. I am looking forward to being on the other side of the surgery and letting everything knit back together. I think the summer will be the perfect time for recovery. We have every faith in my surgeon, she is a brilliant, compassionate woman, and an expert in the field of pelvic floor disorders and prolapse. Much love to you and your house, I hope you have a beautiful spring!
Oh Terri, I had no idea you were suffering this too. Your words will help people. No one talks about pelvic organ prolapse, and I had to look it up to know what it was. Praying that your surgery will bring new life to your body and a springtime to your heart as you wander with your camera bag and your feelings in a new way. Especially thinking of you today. Justin was such a beautiful person, and I’m grateful for time spent getting to know him. Sending you love and a big hug.
Thank you so much Anne for your encouraging words. I do hope that sharing what is so intense and humiliating will encourage dialogue about prolapse. I only remember my mother telling me to not lift heavy items, she said my uterus would fall out. Well, I did not think that possible. Mom did not have the vocabulary, she could not have, if we can’t talk about prolapse now, it was near impossible to have a conversation about it 30, 40, 50 years ago. Mom has been dead over 20 years, I am now convinced she had multiple prolapses’ also. A doctor had been so crude to her, she never mentioned her symptoms again. But my great-grandmother had a prolapse according to living family members. Again, not much detail. Women were told it was because they gave birth and to just live with it. It has become a topic near to my heart. I knew my own anatomy, the horror was no less, but at least I knew what my cervix was and that it did not belong where it had fallen. I was beside myself until I could get to the GYN.
I am so glad Justin met you and that you can remind me that his life mattered. I have pushed him so far away, there is not enough of me left to remember him. Thank you for standing in the gap and remembering him.
I am looking forward to being on the other side of the surgery. I keep thinking about a beautiful fall and new possibilities. Thank you for taking the time to read and write, your encouragement makes a difference. Much love you, and may you have a beautiful Easter.
I have only just read this post, having saved it i my inbox during a period of way-too-much that kept me from, well, from keeping up.
I am so sorry to read of these travails. I knew of your deep loss but to read about this on top of it all….wow. My heart aches for all you’ve had to deal with. Thank you for sharing this, Terri.
May the upcoming surgery be very successful, and may your recovery go well. If you were in my area, I would so love to be able to bring you food and art and books.
Sending love, gratitude and respect to all of you— body, mind, heart.
Dear Melinda, Thank you for the gift of your time to read the post and for your beautiful words. It would be grand to be closer, but I value and appreciate all the love and good thoughts you are sending my way. We are down to five weeks, time is really flying by. I have been stocking the freezer with bone broth and my doctor recommended smoothies for easy and quick nutrition, so I am feeling prepared for post-op. So looking forward to being on the other side of this. Thank you again for your beautiful note.