not really a good thing at all, especially if you live your life by schedules. I followed schedules for the weekend of August 13/14 all day today. Yet at the same time, I was blindingly aware that it was the weekend of August 6/7. Maybe in my mind I didn’t want to acknowledge one year ago this weekend.
Sometimes a great memory is not so great, it was one year ago yesterday that Justin came in from South Dakota, it was a Saturday also, the days match perfectly. Doug was recording the Chesterton Conference at Mount St. Mary’s and I left early to drive to BWI to pick Justin up around 3 PM. The journey home had been complicated for him. Justin would drive from Vermillion, South Dakota to Omaha, Nebraska to catch a flight home, it was cheaper out of Omaha. Except the white car was not working. He dropped the car off at the mechanic and had to catch a bus to Omaha, not an easy feat with no ride. He had to run to the bus depot with his luggage and barely made the bus. I remember picking him up at the airport, so pale and tired looking. He never complained, but on the ride home he would draw his breath in sharply and wince…his feet were cramping and in spasms…pain would shoot from his fused joints all through his feet. Running hurt, his fused joints and rebuilt feet allowed him to walk, but they would never take the pounding of running, karate or hiking again. The boy had quite a bag of books with him, more books than clothes. He never worried much about what he would wear, he and his dad were the same size and Justin had no problem wearing his dad’s clothes, shoes…shirts…he was the most free person I have ever known, unencumbered with attention to self. I hated leaving him when we got home, but I had to go back up to the Mount and he was headed for the couch anyway and was soon covered in cats.
That next morning, just a year ago this Sunday, we went to Mass together and I remember so clearly making a memory of sitting next to him, it was such a precious time, a rare time together and I was very aware of the moment. I always felt connected to Justin through the Eucharist regardless of how many miles we were apart, but those times of being together were very special. Your heart takes a picture of the moment. I remember it was rather awful of me, but if we were singing a particularly sappy hymn of questionable theological content, I would catch his eye and make him smile. He tried so hard to be solemn and ignore me…but it was always fun because we didn’t need words. When I got home later in the day from my duties as sacristan, we went to China Garden for a late lunch. Doug was severely underemployed, but I am so grateful now that we went out for that lunch, it was the last lunch out we had with Justin. Time to sit and drink tea, listen to how his Master’s thesis was coming along, he was planning a short visit to Franciscan University and he was looking forward to seeing his former professors. Justin’s dream was to get his Doctorate in Computer Science and then one day teach at his much loved Franciscan, he dreamed of growing the program to attract more computer science students.
Today was a hard day, sitting in the same pew at the early Mass, the young church building already holds so many memories. I look over to my right and I can still see Justin’s coffin by the Baptismal Font, the ebb and flow of past and present moments make me grateful for the rhythm of the Mass which draws me back out of myself and back to God.
I spent time up at Justin’s grave today, who could have imagined that I would be standing at his grave…looking out into the greenwood, listening to the cicadas…leaning against his headstone….how quickly life can change. If someone had asked me today what I was doing, I would have had to respond that I was actively engaging in detachment. I find detachment not a passive position, but one that takes mental energy and discipline….weighing responses, purifying my motives…one of many good things I learned from Kimberly Hahn at a women’s conference…what drives my response, is it purified of selfishness, does it serve the good of the other?
And so we start another week, a week filled with memories, a week filled with possibilities as Ryan starts his new job in Philly. Heavenly Father, please grant us strength of mind and body to do what needs to be done according to thy Holy Will.
Thank you, Terri. Beautiful words and memories to ponder – thank you for sharing so much. You are all loved and appreciated.
Love you much. Praying for you always.