The Anticipation of an Anniversary

The first anniversary of Justin’s death is only days away. I have read a bit about how to prepare for the first anniversary of the death of a child, the general admonition is to have a plan in place for the day, best not to just “freestyle”, even if you don’t stick to the plan – have one in place.

All I feel is impending darkness, a great weight has settled in my chest that won’t be shaken. Exhaustion gnaws at you, yet I lie awake half the night. I wake two and three times with such a sense of uneasiness and I cannot put my finger on what it is, all I know is that I want it to go away. The sense of unease clings to you like a large spider web,  you feel the presence of the spider still in that web and her name is not Charlotte…its more like Shelob, the spider that resides in Mordor.  There seems to be no rhyme or reason for the  sense of unease, the unimaginable already happened….why the coiled dread, why the sense of serpentine eyes watching and waiting to strike.

So strange, it is almost like the anniversary makes it real, if you mark the day that Justin died, if it has been an  entire year, then it all must be real. There are different levels of reality and I think we must sink to the most lowest chasm of harsh reality before we can begin the ascent.  The thought is not without substance,  if we are to be  configured to Christ and live out His life in our flesh, He descended into Hell before His ascension into Heaven.  I sense we are not at the deepest dark yet, perhaps there lies that unease, the quickened sense of lower valleys yet to be experienced.

Please do not think I am in denial of Justin’s death, but our minds only let us process so much at a time, should the full weight of loss and all its repercussions land at once, I believe we would be crushed to death ourselves, an interior death. I didn’t clean the mud from Justin’s grave  off my black heels for the longest time…a reminder that yes, we did bury Justin…no, he is not safe in South Dakota. Kept his cell phone number in my phone for a long time…would call it just to hear his voice mail message. Have long since erased his number and cancelled his phone.  No, I deal in realities, there is no denial.

I believe I have discovered the source of the almost overwhelming sense of unease, it is the very real phenomenon of “re-experiencing” all the memories and emotions of that day, of hearing those words “Your son, Justin, is dead.” Anniversaries can do that, we mostly focus on those happy anniversaries, anticipating with joy a re-living of the happiness and contentment of a treasured moment…but the flip-side of that is the anticipation of re-living the unrelieved pain, a physical blow to the body…the rending of your heart. That is what lies in wait, and there is nothing for it, but to simply enter in to that darkness again and remember.  To perhaps scoot near and rest with the sorrowing Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane as His sweat turned to blood. To snuggle close to Christ’s Sacred Heart like St. Faustina and beg His mercy. I know that God will not take away this cross, it is for some purpose, I have to trust that it will serve His plan and that He has not abandoned me.

“…And before the daybreak, there must be the heartbreak. But the daybreak came, the dawn of Resurrection, and then the sorrows that had gone before remained only as the material of the new and never-ending joy.”

Fr. Gerald Vann, “At the Foot of the Cross: The Seven Lessons of Mary for the Sorrowing Heart”