Messy March. Mud. So much mud. Brief sunny days and then a span of days encased in cold mud. I always breath easier the last day of March, Justin’s birthday safely behind us for another year and spring is more than a promise by now. I see her total commitment in the bleeding hearts that are filling the dark spaces in the garden. I wasn’t going to do a March Coffee, I was besieged by doubt – am I simply grandstanding, boasting of what I accomplished in a month, am I seeking approval for taking up space in the world? I sat down beside myself in the closet and realized that I have coffee with myself because if I don’t, the voice in my head that says I am not enough, that I am a failure, writes my narrative. I write because if I don’t, I allow that voice and others like it to write my life story. And golly, I am not doing that anymore. So as I drink my coffee with frothed whole milk because life is too short for skim milk, I tell the voice that urges me to give up, “not today f******”, and look back at March. This is what I have been:
Repairing: Our 18 year old oven arced, sparked, and scared me witless one day. Two weeks without an oven made me appreciate our close relationship. Hours of research and three parts later, Doug has it working like new.
Guilting over: I did not visit Justin’s grave on his birthday and I did not dress any of the graves for Easter. Such a large crowd tucked in the earth on the hill. Mom, Dad, my brother, and Justin – I feel too naked and exposed at their graves. I only go when I have reserves to draw from, I have learned not to visit when I am running on empty.
Rehearsing: We had our first rehearsal for Listen To Your Mother, the 2016 Baltimore show. I pinched myself the entire night to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Real women, real stories, authentic, raw, life-changing. I went home that night changed for the better. We have our final rehearsal coming up this Saturday. I am savoring each moment of this experience, it is a rare gift. I will have more details in a post next week.
Day-tripping: Cherry Blossoms in DC. We spent 14 contented hours wandering the delights of the tidal basin and discovering hidden jewels of our nation’s capitol, like the Teddy Roosevelt Island. I shot 1500 pictures, I was in my happy place. I am a terrible person to be with when I am shooting, it is not a social thing for me, it is very interior. Doug and I usually split up, we shoot different media, he does mostly videography and mixed shots. I surface when I need food, having waited until I am in the red zone for a blood sugar crash which makes me even worse company until I am fed.
Learning: I am in the second part of the “Living Brave Semester” with Brene’ Brown and reading “Rising Strong.” The work that we did in March was illuminating, painful, and probably saved my life. I am also taking “Submission Savvy.” A course designed and led by the incredible Susan Maccarelli, one of the most generous women I have met in the writing world. We are learning the ins and outs of getting published, starting with defining our goals. I appreciated the opportunity to sit and ask myself, why? Why risk rejection? Good stuff, check it out. And I just started an intensive writing class with Creative Nonfiction. It has me muttering under my breath about why did I think I could do this, but I am learning to trust the process. I will be a better writer after this course, especially when it does not feel comfortable or safe.
Celebrating: The end of Lent. In my former life, I kept a good lent. This year I gave up the “F” bomb and ended up replacing it with a**hole, not a great improvement. I can no longer juggle the math of trying to figure out what a complete meal is, what a third of that is, that focus just feeds the latent anorexia that woke up when Justin died and then I don’t eat. And one Friday the blood sugar was crashing and it didn’t really matter what I ate, I just needed to eat, so I ate meat. You may be scandalized, God wasn’t. He was the one who said to stop being an a**hole and eat the damn sausage. So there you have it.
I don’t dare have any more coffee, this was a three cup post. Here is to April, a month of promise and hope, and goodbye to messy, messy March.
Peace and all good,
Love, Terri
My friend. Sweet gift to my life. My heart breaks, my heart dances with your words. I can hardly believe that I have begun to love Spring again……but I have. April 6th is nonetheless a day that we have to push through…..get through…..lay to rest once again….for another year. Child of my heart Abel. I miss you so. Terri….so grateful that March is behind you…..and the deep, deep heart soil work that continues in your life…..and you so graciously share with us all. Much love to you today dear one.
Dearest Jackie, I miss you so much! You have been much on my mind. It is hard to invite spring back into our hearts. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you trudge the way to April 6th, anniversaries are brutal. May you have some gentle moments of consolation. I love your words, “lay to rest once again,” for that is what we do each year, with many tears. Much love to you and Jes today, thank you so much for your note!
Terri, every time I read your words I like you even more, and that’s not even an adequate expression, I just feel happy to know you. Please never stop your coffee! We all need to acknowledge our successes to help silence the malicious voice of doubt. I laughed and ached during this post. The writing work you’re doing, and the interior work, is powerful and it is clearly making you shine with incredible light. Keep going my friend.
Dear Dana, we have to have pie! Thank you my friend for the gift of your friendship, your writing has been an inspiration to me from the first time I read you. Here is to more coffee and welcoming the light to dark places. Be good to you, the work you are doing is strenuous and exhausting, keeping you close in thought as you reach out to others in the darkness of grief.
I’d love to get that pie 🙂 Maybe to celebrate after LTYM?
Yes! I would love that Dana! And as I do not have little ones, I would be more than happy to meet somewhere closer to you. We had our final rehearsal for LTYM yesterday and learned that Ann Imig will be attending the Baltimore show. Pretty cool.
I love to read your blog! Keep drinking coffee! March has been messy in a lot of ways! April brings May and warm days! Oh and btw… you ate meat??? Scandalous just scandalous… God has bigger fish to fry than worrying about meat! Thank you my friend!
Dear Anne, I love you. Indeed He does have bigger fish to fry! If you can risk your reputation, coffee in April?
Dear Terri, I will be forever grateful to have been blessed with meeting you. I love reading your words so very much. I can’t wait for Saturday! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, so freely.
Dear Lisa, thank you for taking the time to visit! I too feel blessed to have met you my Irish sister, looking forward to start of a beautiful friendship. Wishing you a peace filled day, see you Saturday!
Terri, I’m so glad you drank your coffee and shared your heart! You’ve lost so many close to you, and I pray that God would send comfort and peace. It must be really hard each year when your son’s birthday comes around. My heart goes out to you. I love reading your words, because they are hope filled, even in grief. Blessings to you, dear sister!
Dear Gayl, thank you my Mudroom sister for your visit, prayers, and presence. Justin’s birthday is hard, we never quite know what to do with ourselves, thank you for acknowledging that it is hard. That means a lot to me. Thank you again for the gift of your time and words. Wishing you a day filled the beauty of spring. Love, Terri
Oh, how I love you!!! Don’t you DARE listen to the whipserings that threaten you to keep silent. You just keep becoming who you are… You make me laugh out loud, cheer for you as you struggle, and sit, stunned, at your profound wisdom. I’m not sure that you even realize how deep, holy, and powerful it all is. Thank you.
I love you too Laurie! I feel like we just had coffee and a hug that expresses what words cannot always convey! Thank you for the gift of your visit and your encouraging words – it often feels awkward and strange to become real and I miss completely that is at all holy. So I treasure your words. Wishing you a beautiful spring, thinking of you as your girl graduates this year. Peace to you and your house.
Life is far too short to drink skim milk.
Hugs to you on living.
And I am so happy that you get to tell your story on LTYM.
The world needs to hear it, and you will be better for the telling.
Thank you Susan for taking the time to have coffee this morning! And thank you for your words of encouragement. Here is to real milk in glass bottles brimming with wholeness! Wishing you a day filled with all good things!
Dearest Terri, I am once again left in awe by your words. Your words bring hope to all who grieve; smiles to so many who have not turned their mouths upwards in a long time and joy to those who care deeply for you. I love you, my friend.
Thank you Laura! Thank you for the continued gift of your faithful friendship and encouraging words. May your coffee be hot and plentiful this last blustery day of March!
My closest childhood friend lost her only child when he was 21 in a car accident. For several years, she was understandably raw with rage, grief, survivor’s guilt and depresson. She and her husband even moved far from the home where they had raised their son just to avoid the “sympathy” of well-meaning neighbors every time they ventured out of their house.
A journey such as hers and yours takes arduous strength, courage and the ability to constantly redefine and rediscover the value and purpose of each day. If writing and coffee keep you moving, then I say pour it on!
Dear Stacia, thank you so much for the gift of your time and encouraging words. My heart hurt as I read about your friend’s only child. Houses can become so crowded with memories and oh yes, the venturing back out into the neighborhood and local places. Here is to more coffee, and good friends who reach out and keep us going. Wishing you a very peace filled day.
“I tell the voice that urges me to give up, “not today f******”..” THIS. YES. SO much this. I have not known loss like yours, but I do have that same nagging/scolding voice asking me “Who do you think you are?” and expecting me to just sit down and shut up. You give me courage to keep following my heart. To press on and do the work my soul leads me to– to just step into that next little bit of light- even if the path beyond it is in total darkness and mystery. Thank you for being willing to share your journey. <3
Thank you Thaeda! Those three words have gotten me up off the floor more times than I care to admit this winter. I mentioned to Ryan about getting it tattooed in flowing script so that I would always remember, he said he would gladly pay for it. It would certainly make me memorable when I am in the nursing home. Grateful for your company on this journey!
Terri, you are brave and strong and I think some of the recent choices you have made have been good ones. Spring can bring you the warmth of sunshine, as you experienced it in DC, and feel the love of the universe and God and your son touching you. And yes, protein is good when the blood sugar is low and I love the word ass-**** sometimes it is just what we need to say.
Your writing is powerful and I applaud it. You are finding your way and helping the rest of us. Beth
Dear Beth, thank you so much for your generous and encouraging words. I am finding that I need more sun these days, that every chance we have, we should go exploring outside. Protein, yes! I had quite the wake-up call when routine blood work showed a spike in my sugar count. I will always be grateful to my internist for taking notice. We reworked my nutrition plan and in two months, it had dropped 29 points. It was odd as first, I grew up in that low-fat, butter is evil, carb-heavy frenzy. But now I welcome good fats, plenty of protein and veggies, and carbs in small doses. Thank you again for your visit and kind words. Wishing you a very peace filled evening.
Terri, your blog is a treasure. I love the way you express your highs and lows so honestly and eloquently. You inspire me to appreciate every blessing and live in the moment. Hugs, always.
Oh Helene, thank you! Tucking your gracious words in my heart, thank you for the gift of your friendship!
I loved your cherry blossom photos. So glad you are enjoying the course. xo, Susan
Thank you Susan! There is such magic around the cherry blossoms. And peace, we were with thousands and thousands of people from all over the country and the world, and there was peace. I love how organized and detailed your course is, I have had a great time exploring the links – like for Plum Deluxe, what a fun site! Thanks again, have a terrific weekend!
It seems to me that although muddy and messy and to a great extent miserable, you conquered March. So yes, here’s to April.